Chapter 1
In a time not too long ago a valiant band of knights donned helmets and embarked upon a journey to distant lands. They had heard many a sonnet relating the promise of rivers running fast and clear through mountainous hills of majestic, yet rugged beauty. Few from the southern regions had undertaken the long and dangerous journey to those wild places far to the north, yet our band was not dismayed. The promise of travel through the mystical forests and gorges filled their hearts with a yearning that touches only the fortunate few. The few who have discovered the religion simply known as "Ka-yak".

Travelling through day and night, in the face of the worst that nature could throw their way, the intrepid few eventually reached the Promised Land. Although two of their number had fallen foul of the hedonistic pleasures to be found in the warmer climes left behind, hope was not lost. The comrades expected the tardy to arrive only one nightfall hence.

The poets had not lied of the beauty and viciousness of this distant place, but at the end of this journey the knights were to find warmth and shelter in a strange, yet familiar form. A magical, metallic cabin called "Train" offered all that a traveller’s heart could desire. Inside were mystical heating and lighting machines, which cannot be described, lest the mighty God "Ca-noe" vent his anger at the insolence of those privileged enough to pass through the portals of this abode.

Although weary from their journey our heroes ventured forth into the night to see what pleasures were to be found in this place to satisfy a man's craving for debauchery. By means of a strange speaking device an iron carriage was summoned to the local hostelry. This monstrous machine transported the travellers at fearful speed to the metropolis known as "Fort William" and at the appointed hour the growling beast returned to carry the now intoxicated band back to "Train".

On the morrow, the Knights of Ka-yak rose with joy in there hearts and hammers in there skulls. Standing high above the Valley of Roy they were to adorn themselves, for the first time in this place, with the ceremonial dress known as "Dri-cag". Only Sir John, who hails from foreign parts beyond the furthest horizon, was to raise a hand to his sweating brow and proclaim: "Ca-noe forgive me! The Curse of the Roy is upon me. I can go no further this day along the path of Ka-yak, the mead of this land has infected my body and soul. I must rest and rejoin you on the quest tomorrow."

With heavy hearts the remaining five knights embarked upon the first stage of their journey along the lower reaches of the river. This was not a challenging route for the band, but allowed them to savour for the first time the raw majesty of this new land. Floating gently past autumnal gold there was time to reflect on the path ahead. Forgiving rapids gave a tantalising hint of rivers new and mighty to be conquered. And of course they would return to face the legendary upper reaches of this very river another day soon...

Chapter 2.
The following morning the Knights rose with the knowledge that today they were to begin their quest in earnest. Now at full strength, following the arrival of their comrades the previous evening, their next challenge lay in the Vale of Orchy. Although deprived of much of the water which its cousins further south were greedily drinking, the river still offered some formidable opposition. Many tales are recounted about the fate of unwary travellers past, who, unsuspecting, had gone to their graves at the hand of the mighty Falls of Orchy. Just as a scorpion’s tail divides into two evil prongs, so here does the river. Tumbling white and menacing 60 feet down over cliff and boulder, frothing like a mad dog, the sight is enough to humble knight and serf alike. No mortal would be including this on his path that day.

With the boats launched, their occupants sporting some most comical attire to fight off the harsh, cold air, the day's adventure had begun. Deceptively calm at first, the river soon began to show its hand. Numerous rapids of interest led quickly to the first real test encountered by the men that week. Caught between glistening rocks, determined to resist the will of the water to choose its own path, the route a Knight must take was not clear. Only one of the band, Sir Sean, rose to undertake this challenge and steered his craft over the lip of the drop with exemplary skill, landing safe and clear. Too late for those others that would have now taken up the challenge - time and companions wait for no man!

Then the day's final challenge appeared - a mighty 30' drop over twisting ledges into a boiling pool. It happened that day that none of the paddlers was willing to stretch the benevolence of Can-oe too far, wary that injury at this early stage would preclude further enlightenment on the quest that week. Rather it was back to the ‘Train’ carriage, to home and a jar of mead, a warming supper and fantastic yarns woven around that day's adventure.

Chapter 3
Less testing, but nonetheless worthy of their attention, was the merry band's jaunt to the Garry the next day. This was a short stretch of relatively simple, yet feisty, water with many a hole and wave for the testing of skills. Raucous laughter from his comrades surrounded the over-turning of Sir Sean in what, it must be told, was a most unimposing eddy. After swimming ashore and waiting for Sir John to pluck his craft from the water, the poor fellow was not spared his blushes. Pride bruised and slightly colder, the unwary soon recovered his form, so it is unlikely that this incident had harmed his personal quest for Kay-ak!

Chapter 4
If enlightenment was to be found on the next day, it was only in the harsh realisation that Mother Nature is not only a fickle lady, but also worthy of great respect. Leaving the dry valleys of the Lowlands, the Knights ascended a pass to enter the Vale of Etive. At the head of the valley was only the deceptively dry, shallow, trickling burn which marks the beginnings of the Etive River. But the truth was soon to be forced upon the group of friends that few, if any, would be descending its drops that day. What had been a trickle at first was soon to become a raging torrent, crashing down pool after pool, fall after fall, boulder after boulder with the roar of a hundred angry horses. As Can-oe is my witness I swear the river barely let even the onlooker time for a breath!

Later that day, downhearted after their forced retreat from the Vale of Etive, the Knights found themselves lured to the suggestive cavern of the one called 'Lock-in'. After much merry making the Knights one by one despatched themselves to the realm of 'Dreams', until only a small band remained - Sir Sean, Sir Sid and Sir Stevie - to try and break the 'Lock-in' record of 8.30am. They fought a hard, yet ultimately victorious battle. Unfortunately, two of the three received wounds to their heads from the curse called 'Free Bar'. Only Sir Sean, knowing he must quest for Kay-ak, had used his mental powers to outwit the curse, by the help of a magic potion called 'Co-cola', taken liberally through the darkest hours of the night.

Chapter 5
So the brave band was yet again reduced to six in number for their most challenging journey, along the upper reaches of the Roy. With its source a myriad of burns running off towering hills, the river starts its run gently, barely scraping over the boulders beneath. Chilled to the core, the hardy six squandered little time before launching their crafts down steep icy banks to the river below. Some little while later, the waters narrow until one is met by an interesting test. Named after the tail of a rooster on account of the fan-tail spray where aqua meets mineral mid-stream, it did not pose a major challenge to the Knights. Once safely through, the men found themselves upon a much wider flow leading to a not insignificant drop. All eventually found their paths down, Sir Kevin choosing an unusual route through a tight, walled chute not fancied by his comrades, known as ‘The Chicken Shoot’.

Soon the wide rolling valley gave way to the dark, glistening, moss-laden walls, which form the Gorge of Roy. Now, surrounded by these imposing cliffs, the Knights could truly feel that they were upon the Path to Enlightenment. It is difficult to recount in detail the rapids to be found along the bottom of this narrow ravine, blending as they do in the memory to form an awesome blur of continuous roaring white-water. One point, however, is vividly clear before the mental eye of all those who travelled down the path that day: Ready to catch the unprepared, the river suddenly disappears beneath giant boulders blocking its path. Only an arm’s span of water remains in view, the rest carving its way below solid rock - a fact which has lead travellers past to name this place "The One Which Doth Bang Heads".

Immediately below the "Head-Banger" was the most challenging stretch of water many of the Knights can recall paddling. After an age of walking atop the cliffs to be sure of what lay ahead, time came to descend once more into the ravine. A simple route down was clear to him known as Sir Seal. Unwilling to make the treacherous climb down, the brave knight (some would say foolhardy, but they do not recount the tale so well!) launched his craft from atop the cliff - some three times the height of a man - into the waters below. After seeing their companion safely below, the remaining knights soon followed by the same means, accompanied by much whooping to warn the river Gods of their arrival!

After negotiating a thrilling passage to the next slack water, the men had barely caught breath before disaster stroke!!!! Sir Kevin, safely through the wild water, was to discover a terrible split beneath the seat of his boat. Despite valiant efforts and the use of a strange piece of clothing know as "Ther-mal", no repair could be made. With a heavy heart Sir Kevin was forced to leave the party to negotiate the final challenge alone. Led by Sir Jeremy, with Sir Sean taking up the unenviable rear-guard position, the knights set paddles and headed downstream. Three awesome waves barred the way, but with heads down and gritted teeth all were successful in taming them. The journey continued with yet more interesting, though by no means as thrilling, wild water until the river finally became calm. Putting a magnificent end to the journey, the gorge opened abruptly, after the river passed through a narrow gap barely wide enough for two men to stand side by side.

At the end of this epic paddle, it was certain that each of the Knights had come further along the Enlightened Path, a path which leads the worthy few to a place in the annals which chart the history of that great religion "Ka-yak". No doubt either that for none of them is that path complete - perhaps never shall be - but of one thing they are sure: It may be a long road, but as long as they are able to, they will stay upon it. The rewards are there, round every corner!

Epilogue
There remain two full days of the Knight's journey north as yet untold. Pity, but the poor, weary man tasked with the penning of this tale is not a full-time scribe, and so the hands of time have forced this untimely end to the transcription of a glorious tale. At some point, the story may be completed...

The Knights of Ka-yak are:
Sir Kevin 'Hole in my Boat' Hudson
Sir Sean 'Double 'ard Bastard' Hudson
Sir Phil 'Oh Shit my Shoulder Again' Loveridge
Sir John 'Kiwi' Shepherd
Sir Stephen 'Seal' Powley
Sir Richard 'Sidders old Bean' Sharpe
Sir Jeremy 'Yes That is Jezz's First Name' Whatmore
Sir Stevie 'Scottish' West

by Stephen Powley, November 1998